Grief is an Act of Love

It sometimes amazes me how often the universe knows something before I do. You see, I do a content calendar each month and writing about grief tonight was scheduled weeks ago. It was planned well before I signed up for a class on grief, and absolutely before I experienced some profound and almost unbelievable loss myself.

(Unfortunately) I have gotten pretty familiar with grief of late. My family suffered several losses back-to-back with little to no warning or preparation, so I can understand that mourning can feel insurmountable and suffocating at times.

Thing is: none of us will escape loss. It is simply part of the human experience.

A friend once told me that grief feels like waves. First you feel like you are drowning. You struggle to stay afloat and find yourself gasping for air. But after time, the waves don't seem as high. They feel farther apart. You learn to see the waves coming and develop skills to ride with them instead of against them. I have always liked metaphor.Here’s what else I know about grief:(1) Grief is not linear. You may be familiar with the 5 stages of grief:

Anger

Sadness

Denial

Bargaining

Acceptance

But the truth is: they don't happen in any particular or prescribed order. They ebb and they flow. They seem to happen at random. Sometimes a feeling shows up suddenly, and leaves as quickly as it arrived. Sometimes the feeling lingers far beyond comfort. Sometimes one emotion gets shoved out of the way for another. It is not uncommon for sad tears to become ones of rage. You may feel fine one minute and in disbelief another.

(2) No emotion is the wrong emotion.

Grief is complicated as hell. In the grief circle/class I took but last night, as the women shared their experiences, I became acutely aware of how expansive grief is. The 5 stages really are quite the oversimplification and understatement. Grief invites all sorts of buddies to the table: guilt, fear, regret, longing... even relief.

Remind yourself that there is no right way to grieve. Whatever comes up for you, let it in. Get curious. Breathe. Release.(3) Grief isn’t isolated to death.

We can mourn many things beyond the loss of life. We can mourn the end of relationships, friendships and partnerships. We can grieve major transitions like a big move or leaving a career you once loved. We can even mourn past versions of ourselves.

(4) Grief is an act of love.

I said in a reel I made a few days ago: "grief is an act of love". If we didn't significantly love whatever it is we lost, it just wouldn't hurt. This was reiterated in circle with this beautiful quote:

"Grief is just love with no place to go". -Jamie Anderson

(5) There is support.If you are grieving, you are not alone. Yesterday, at said grief circle, I was overwhelmed at how many people were available to hold space and help me carry the load, even when they were mourning themselves. We honored our individual and collective experiences, allowed for all of the 5 stages to show up unapologetically and invited everything in between. It was cathartic, supportive and liberating. It was human.

Talking to a therapist, taking to friends, being involved in community, making time for things that are restorative can all be beautiful tools to help you navigate loss.